Friday, April 9, 2010

Just had to let it out.

Holding this in for a while now.
Hi guys. My absence is due to my grandma's death. Now, what I'm about to type out is just a "stress relief" post. Family issues...If you don't want to read, just stop here. But if you still want to read, regardless of my rants and feelings, thank you. I love you guys! Okay, I'm going to start by spilling out what I'm thinking at the moment. Right now its more of irritation then being sad. I'm going to start from Weds, April 7th, 2010. So, I went to work Monday & Tuesday. Got a call that grandma was very ill Weds morning. I had no choice but to call in work. Also, my inter. was the same exact day. Why? I don't know. It just came out that way... *sighs. That day, I went in and grandma was telling me to read something off a "doctor's note." & I did. Then she smiled. The next day, I came by again... this time...shes much worse. She was completely paralyzed, sight was blurry, & couldn't talk. My gosh... I was so heartbroken. I couldn't say goodbye to her in a way she could respond to me. I felt the pain for my aunts and of course S. *Sighs. Oh yeah, What I was told was that, the hospital she was in wasn't treating her right. She treated her as if she was an object. But when an Asian nurse came, she treated her well. Then the Asian nurse had to go, and some (I really don't want to say this...) "other" nurse came, and was acting as if she was racist. So grandma demanded to go back to her home and die there instead. That evening, the oxy tank came and there she was lying in the living room (in her home) on the hospital bed with a tank next to her. You could imagine how everyone felt. Thursday, I thought I could go back into work... UNTIL...*Sighs! I had to call off for Thursday & Friday. Why? Because at exactly 2PM when nobody was looking, grandma fell asleep forever. I was told that when someone dies, they don't want anyone looking at them when they past away. So I guess, first I left at around 1:40PM with S to drop off a letter off at his work and to drop me off at work... We ended up getting a call to go back to grandmas right away. Right then, we knew that she was gone. Also, she pasted away on her birthday at the exact same time she was born except it was AM. *Sighs. People think that she was waiting for everyone to turn around and talk to family members then she would go... I love grandma soooo much. She has helped soooo much. The whole family loves her a lot. S promised her that he would become a monk once she day had come, so right now... S requested 2 weeks off in order to do what he promised to grandma, which was to become a monk for how ever many days it takes to keep grandma happy. I'm having this feeling again. This is the second time that I've been through this. The first with my father, now with my only grandma. I never met my grandmas in Vietnam nor Cambodia. This was the only grandma I met and whom I loved sooo much. She raised S so well, and raised J & J as well. M is struggling but it takes time to heal... I was also told that right now grandma thinks shes alive...but after seven days she will realize that she has pasted away... *Sigh. I'm sure at this moment, nobody will ever forget her. She was the sweetest grandma, mom, grandmother to us. So, thats why I've been missing a lot. Her Christian ceromony is tomorrow at a church, then a Buddhist ceremony at a temple on Sunday. S will be presented but nobody can call him by his name because he was a monk. (did it for grandma) Yes, she was a believer. Shes the one that made me believe in all kinds of things that I never once did before. Its hard but sometimes you got to let go of the one of you love for awhile because when they are back you will realize how much love you had for them. The other thing is that, we have a choice of moving to Maryland or staying in Minnesota. I love Minnesota a lot, its where I was raised... but I think its time that S & his family move on to where they can get a lot of support. I love you grandma. Everything you see, we did it for you. Especially your real family members. ♥

T tells me to think us to think of it this way:
Grandma is happy where she is. No pain, stress, drama, hate, etc to worry about. Were the ones that will be in pain because the living will always live a life full of hate and stress. T says that the one that are suffering are the living. So now that grandma will be resting peacefully, she won't have to worry about a thing. *sighs.

Once everything has healed... it will go back to normal.
Thanks everyone for the love and support.
If you really read all of this, thank you. I appreciate it a lot.
& the e-mails that help me reminisce the past...thanks for that.

I'm sorry this had to be a sad post. Forgive me?

Love,
Katie Ngo

26 comments:

  1. Aww sweety I had no idea that you were going through such a loss. I would be devastated if I had lost someone that special and dear to me. Death is a part of life, I am sure your grandma lived a wonderful life, and she has raised such great people like you! Things will never be the same, but take it as a opportunity to grow stronger and appreciate things in life. I wish you all the best Katie! You are a wonderful girl with a beautiful heart. I hope all goes well for you sweety! May your grandma rest in peace!


    BTW.Have you received the package I sent?

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  2. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss :( I really hope you cheer up soon<3

    I've heard some many complaints about nurses not treating patients right, I don't understand what the heck the problem is. Seriously, if they don't like what they're doing, then they need to just change careers!

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  3. Hun, sorry to hear about your lost...You will definitely get through this...Keep your head up <3

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  4. I am so sorry to hear about this. Your grandma is rest in peace and i believe that she don't want anyone to cry over her she wants you guys to go on with your life...don't let your grandma worry about you guys in heaven...I am not saying you should be happy but being is sad fine it's very normal especially you love your grandma very much...

    when my grandpa passed away he died peacefully with his eyes close because he knows that we're all doing good and he don't have to worry about us anymore...be strong!! I know it will takes time just take as much time as you need and cry as much as you want and you'll probably feel better just remember your grandma was once the greatest grandma

    I hope your family and you will get well soon...take care!!

    oh one last thing, You should deff complain abt the nurses because one of my friend's dad went to a hosptial cuz he had a tummy pain...doctors and nurses gave him 3 WRONG med and needle shot causes inside of his stomact exploded and died 3 days after because nurses and doctors werent treating him right....to save a life have to report those bad doctors and nurses!!

    i hope u'll feel better <3
    Cydia

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  5. =[
    sorry about you loss
    my grandpa passed away a couple years back, and my uncle passed away last christmas...

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  6. ahw, sorry about your loss. i've been in the same situation too when my grandma passed away. Be strong!

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  7. I'm sorry to hear.. That is so sad..

    When my grandmother was sick no one told her she was dying.. They didn't want to tell her because they thought it'd be better that way. But i know that she knew she was dying. She lived in the same house as us (My parents, siblings and me) so ever since she started getting sick (she had lung cancer) i listened to her moan in pain in the next room nearly every night. As weeks turned to months she slowly started to get skinny.. Her face looked so lifeless i couldn't recognize my sweet lil grandmother who used to crack jokes and fart (lol).. Anyways 2 days before she died, she told my Aunty that she had a dream that my Grandpa visited her in her dream and asked her to marry him all over again.. & then he said "let's go home"..

    Whoever said "til death do us part" was wrong.. :)

    P.S No one's really gone until they're forgotten.

    =]
    xox

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  8. im so sorry you had to go through this hun! i had no idea... i hope you and your family are doing well and i know your grandmother is smiling down at you! be strong and try not to stress too much!

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  9. =(....I got teary-eyed when i read this.


    I lost a friend a few weeks ago...Someone I was closed to in HS...the sweetest guy I know who was always there for me. He has never done anything to hurt anybody.

    Its crazy how he passed away...I just hope he didnt suffer -(...

    He got into a wreck ..his gf and her brother was in the car too. he went out to check out the accident...another car behind them lost control and his their car AGAIN...the impact of the car hit him...which made him fall off the bridge over the pass over ....

    His gf seen the WHOLE thing. My heart goes out to her and his fam..at the funeral I couldnt look at her face really..i was soo hurt for her. And his mom was just saying stuff in Vietnamese...my friend translated to me. I criedd even more. His mom Couldnt walk or anything.


    Sorry I just had to tell you b/c Im still grieving over this. Its hard to be on that exact highway he passed away on...

    Im here if anything k Katie? My cousin just had a stillbirth and is going thru depression as well. It just hurts seeing anybody I care about like this. We dont know each other like that but I just want to say keep your head up. Cherish every moment! My Gma is in Laos...and is ill as well. Always in and out of the hospital. I was veryyy closed to her before she went back to Laos =/. I know the hospitals over there arent as great over here in the U.S. either.

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  10. awhh hun!!
    im so sorry for your loss!!
    im totalli blank as to what i should say. I know how it feels when u lose someone u love but believe me hun, everyone is right. Your grandma is in a much better place now. She'll be much happier!
    The pain doesnt go away, but hunni, time heals all wounds. What happens happens for a reason, it was better for ur grandma, she's much happier. And I know it hurts, but u've got to smile for her. Always knows she's watching u and she'll always be with u and smile when u smile and cry when u cry, so try n be happy and just rememeber she's always with you =)

    *hugggg*
    <33

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  11. I'm so sorry for your loss , too. I haven't experienced a death of a loved one and I really don't know how awful it feels . Sorry I can't understand you but I want to tell you that I agree that she is resting now with absolutely no worries . Stay strong .

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  12. Hi Katie,
    Sorry for your loss, but be strong, and pray for grannie..

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  13. sorry to hear that. May she rest in peace -. .. - T____T the sme thing happened to me, grandma died on my brother's birthday. Be strong

    x

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  14. I'm sooo veryy sorry that happened. My grandpa died too, but I never even met him, yet.
    I think when people die, they go to a special place where hurt doesnt affect them anymore. Just another word of encourgagement, but we all want you to stay strong && happy.
    xoxo- L.M.

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  15. I'm so sorry to hear Katie - it's always hard to let go of loved ones, especially those that have been so sweet, loving, kind and influential in our lives.

    I'm also sorry you had to deal with negativity (i.e. "other nurse") while going through a difficult time. :( Just not right...

    Take care and stay strong!

    *Irene*

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  16. Hey Katie,
    My condolences. I lost my grandma too, but I was still a kid. I was very close to her and even though I was young, it affected me really much and I was really frustrated. I grew up from it and even today I still think of her & reminisce all the good times spent with her.

    Hope you'll get through it <3

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  17. Aww, Katie. I'm so so so sorry you're going through this *major hug*
    I can't even begin to fathom what you're feeling or going through. But just stay strong. Your grandma may not be here physically any longer, but it doesn't mean that she's no longer alive in your mind and in your HEART. You have to hold steadfast onto the memories that you have of her. As long as you live, she lives through you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. She is in a better place, watching over you.

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  18. Losing a loved one is always hard & it sucks. My condolences to you and your family for your loss.

    I'm sure your grandma is watching over you.

    I'm also sorry how your grandma was treated in the hospital. It's a shame and I'm ashamed that there are nurses out there that treat people like crap. It gives all the good nurses such a bad image.

    Take care *big hugs*

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  19. Hey Katie,
    I'm sorry about your loss.
    And those racist nurses! Should not even be a nurse! Shame on them.

    Be strong, time will heal everything. =)

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  20. I'm very sorry for your loss Katie. I know how it feels to lose someone so important. But stay strong! I believe everything happens for a reason. She's in a much better place now.

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  21. No needs for sorry. This is your blog. We come here to read about your life and to get to know you better through your blog. You can and should write about whatever you want and need.

    It's always nice to be able to vent. =]

    My condolences to you and your family. I know this is a tough time and I wish you the best. You need to keep your head up. T is right. Your grandma is in a better place where she is in no pain, where everyone will treat her respect [not like the "other" nurse]. Hearing about that, racism, makes me angry. {*GRR}
    Atleast now you don't have to worry about anyone miss treating her.
    I know that without a doubt your grandma knows how much you and your family love her. Don't worry. =]

    And as for you. You should try your best to be happy that she's off to a better place. You know she wants the best for you. She wouldn't want to see you sad all the time so just keep moving forward. Keep doing what you're doing and make her proud.


    <3 Serena.

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  22. i'm sorry to hear that. >.<

    no probs, you can write anything you want.. you can share anything^^

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  23. sorry to hear about your loss.....hang on there....we're all here for you...

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  24. losing someone you care about really sucks.. i can definitely imagine how you feel. my gma passed away almost 2 years ago, though i am constantly reminded of her. it makes me sad just thinking about her right now. just know that her spirit, her memories, her existence in your life will never fade. as long as u think about her, she is still alive in your mind. i hope you can think back on your joyous memories together and laugh/smile about it. if u feel like crying, just do it. don't hold in your feelings. let it free.

    i wish you and your family the best.

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  25. Awww sweetie.... I hope you feel a little bit better and not so upset =[ I was upset when my grandma passed away... she was in Vietnam, she ate that morning with my god-grandmother having a fun day... felt her muscles weaken so she went to bed and one of my aunt gave her a massage than her body just went paralyzed and she passed away slowly =[ over in america, (night time over here) we each got a phone call and I was only in the 9th grade... the next morning, I went to school but only partial because I was getting dismiss to fly back to Vietnam ASAP... then when I arrive, there was a monk at the house and we did the religious stuff for two weeks while grandma was still in the house until it was the right day to bring her to the other house with my grandfather.

    It was sad so I know how you feel =[ I hope you feel better! It's always good to rant it out on blog.... it's a place to express!

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  26. My deep condolence for your loss. Hope everything will be alright...
    I just got back from my trip btw :)

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